behind the shadows

It was the one of the worst nights of my life. I have fought the battle but I lost.

I have seen it coming. I knew all along last January that this will never work out well. There was something wrong with how I conducted it. I have given up and even planned to pursue the study in June. But I never listened to myself and instead went on because others were doing it and because others were expecting me to make it.

I should have listened to myself more. I should have listened to the signs.

Now, facing reality that I failed was so painful. The pain was excruciating and it was tormenting me like hell. I thought it was okay when they gave me the decision. They even appreciated me that I was so accepting about it and remained very positive. I thought it would be okay but something is telling me inside that it is NOT okay.

I went home defeated, heartbroken and sad. I was like a contestant in a game show who didn't get the 1 million pesos because she has chosen the wrong box so she went home empty handed. My family comforted me and they still believe I can do it better next semester. My brother jokingly told me I was not yet ready to become a "master" and asked if I already have my summer pay so we can buy that Selecta Overload ice cream we were craving for and a box of pizza. That's the prize of being comforted by a younger brother.

I was crying the whole night...crying so hard that I was gasping for air, unable to breath between heavy sobs. I thought the crying would go on forever but it was the long distance call from a very good friend, ate chin which brought me back to my senses. Her words consoled my broken heart like a lullaby to a crying baby.

She told me that the Thesis is NOT my everything. God has a special reason why He allowed me to experience this failure. I may not be able to grasp it at this moment but she said, the special reason will just come in due time. God has something in store for me and the realization will just come in later.

The sobs died a natural death after that call. I was so tired from crying that I fell asleep. I woke up feeling better...my eyes are heavy but still I feel good. I was inspired by the text message of my ninang-to-be ate Narlina that I should have MD (marriage degree) first before MAED :)She told me that sometimes we need to taste some bitterness in life in order to taste better the sweetness in store for us.

God is always behind my shadows.Unseen but always there. No matter how much pain life brings, there is always God who will ease the hurt away. He never abandons a defeated child. He will never.

Today is a brand new day. I see my failure now as a blessing. There's no space for regrets because I know deep within me that I did my best. My best was not just good enough. I still have the second chance to redeem myself this June. The panelists did not give up on me. They were hopeful and believed I can do the experiment again.

This summer, it is time to focus myself on my upcoming wedding. The sweetness will come my way. I may not have the masteral degree, but I have the love of my family and friends. I may not have the nod of my panelists last night but I have the unconditional love of Kit who told me not to give up and lose hope.